


The Letter

by Windfighter



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sorry Emil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 22:57:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12617436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfighter/pseuds/Windfighter
Summary: One year after their return from Iceland Lalli starts getting letters from Emil and they keep getting darker.





	1. The first letter

”Lalli Hotakainen!”

Tuuri and Onni looked at Lalli, who raised a hand and stood up so the mailman could find him. He recieved a small envelope, his address written with elegant letters he would recognise anywhere. Emil. His hands shook as he opened it, he hadn't heard from the other since they were done in Iceland one year earlier. He took a paper out fom the envelope, tried to read it. Swedish, he knew some of the words, but he had forgotten most of what he had learned. He looked at the letters, noticed them getting shakier as the letter went on, noticed some places where the ink had smeared. He offered the letter to Tuuri, leaned closer.

”Translate.”

Tuuri looked at the letter, cleared her throat and started reading.

_Dear Lalli._

She giggled and Lalli glared at her. She stopped giggling and continued reading.

_How are you? I am fine. Work in the Cleansers is... It's incomparable to what we did. I hope you're still enjoying your work. Oh, and how is your Swedish? I hope you're able to read this. I mean, you could get someone to translate, but... You'd probably go to Tuuri and I don't really want her to..._

Tuuri stopped reading, looked at Lalli.

”I shouldn't read this.”

Lalli nodded, but motioned for her to continue anyway. She let out a sigh.

_I don't really want her to see this..._

_I'm sorry I'm contacting you, but I don't have anyone else to turn to. My family would get me locked up in the mental ward if they knew and my workmates... Former workmates I guess I should say. I got fired from the Cleansers. I couldn't... I wasn't good enough for them. But that's not..._

_I can't sleep. I keep having nightmares. I keep dreaming about death, about people I've never seen, about my family, about us, everyone dying. Shadows keep looming over my dreams and when I wake up... It is still there, watching me, waiting. It keeps following me, but there's nothing there._

_Lalli, am I going crazy? Is it just my mind slowly processing what we went through? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired, I just want to sleep... I wish..._

Tuuri fell quiet, squinted at the letter, her lips moving as she tried to dechiffer the smeared words. Lalli looked at the letter, trying to see if he could help.

”It looks like he's been crying all over this part”, Tuuri said after a while. ”I can't read it, I'm sorry.”

”The rest?”

”He hopes me and Onni are doing good, he looks forward to hearing from you, the normal pleasantries people write in letters”, she folded it and gave it to Lalli. ”Do you want my help to write an answer?”

Lalli shook his head, put the letter in his pocket and left the table. He needed to figure out what to do.

 


	2. The second letter

”Lalli Hotakainen!”

Lalli and Tuuri exchanged glances before Lalli stood up in order to recieve his mail. The mailman smiled at him, but Lalli frowned, started opening the letter before he sat back down and handed it to Tuuri. Emil's handwriting was even less elegant this time. Tuuri looked at Lalli, who nodded, before she started reading.

_Lalli..._

_People are dying, Lalli. It's all over the news. I see them, their faces haunt my dreams, their last moments alive. At least I think it's just dreams._

_I've lost time. Several hours at a time disappear, I can't recall anything from them. Lalli, what if it's me? What if I'm the one who... But I would never, I wouldn't, I couldn't kill anyone, could I?_

Tuuri stopped reading, looked at Lalli. Lalli didn't look at her, didn't offer her an answer to her unasked question and she looked at the letter again.

_The news says everyone died of heart failures, heart attacks. But some of them looked like health itself. People like that shouldn't just drop dead._

_The shadow is still there when I wake up. I don't know what it is, what I should do about it. I don't even know if I can do anything. It's just my imagination, isn't it? No one else has said anything about it._

_Maybe I should tell someone, maybe I should allow them to lock me up. If it's me, then the people would be safe. And if it's not I can stop worrying. I don't want to be locked inside._

Words had been written, crossed over, rewritten and crossed over again. Tuuri tried to read them, but couldn't see through the thick ink covering the letters. Lalli motioned for her to continue.

_I hope you're doing well, Lalli. Take care of each other. Don't let Tuuri know._

Tuuri turned the letter around, searched for more writing, but couldn't find any and handed the letter back to Lalli. Lalli folded it carefully, put it in his pocket and left the table.

 


	3. The third letter

”Lalli Hotakainen!”

Lalli wasn't surprised this time. He stood up, got his letter and gave it to Tuuri without looking at it. Tuuri drew a sharp breath when she recieved it.

”Lalli, is this  _blood_ ?”

Worry danced over Lalli's face, but only for a second, and then he gestured towards the envelope.

”Read.”

Tuuri hesitated, looked at the envelope.

”He doesn't want me to.”

”You don't know, you haven't read it.”

”He made it clear in the other two...”

She opened the envelope, unfolded the letter and Lalli looked over her shoulder to see the text. Word were smeared, stains that looked like blood covered the lower part of the paper and the left side, the writing was shaky, unelegant. Tuuri cleared her throat.

_I don't know what's going on. I've lost days, I no longer know what day it is, I can barely get up from my bed. I haven't left the house for a week, too winded just trying to make my way down the stairs. And it keeps following me. It has gotten darker, or maybe I'm just noticing it more because it's constantly on my mind. Whispers echo in my brain but I can't make them out, can't get them out._

Blood was smeared over the next part, but the writing was still visible. Lalli looked at Tuuri, who was pale but kept reading.

_Pain keeps them at bay, make them shut up for a fraction of the time. I have no choice._

Teardrops. Lalli frowned.

_I wish I had a choice. I wish I knew what to do. I don't want to go back to the ward. Please don't make me, please, leave me alone, leave me! Just get out! Get out of my head! I'm not listening, I'm not..._

_So many deaths, Lalli. Over 50 people here in Östersund... No one knows what's causing it, but..._

Smeared words, Tuuri's lips moved quietly before she shook her head.

_I need you. I need someone, I need... I don't know, I want answers, I want to understand, I want to sleep, to rest. I want to wake up not from screaming but from the sunlight dancing on my face. Is it too much to ask for?_

_People are dying, Lalli. I see them, but..._

More teardrops, crossed out words, Tuuri glanced at Lalli, who looked away.

_I see them, but I can't help them. I can only watch. I close my eyes, but they are still there. I want them gone._

Tuuri turned the letter over, shook her head and folded it before giving it to Lalli. Lalli's fingers traced over it, stopped over the blood stains, and his frown deepened. Tuuri kept looking at him, waiting for him to say something and he bit his lips, got up.

”I'll fix this.”

 


	4. The fourth letter

Lalli stood up before the mailman could call his name, recieved another letter and sat down again. The mailman looked at the letter, curious and disgusted, but Lalli growled and he hurried away. Onni looked at Lalli and the envelope.

”Are you sure that's safe? What if it's troll blood?”

”It's not.”

”What is it then?”

Onni tried to take the letter, but Lalli moved out of the way. Onni looked away.

”Is it from the same person? Your friend?”

Lalli nodded, opened the envelope. He could no longer tell from the handwriting that it was Emil, it had changed so much since Lalli first saw it. He took the letter out, unfolded it, let his fingers trace over the paper. Words crossed each other, lines was out of place, large blots covering parts of the writing, long lines where the hand stopped writing and fell off the paper. Lalli tried reading it, but he still hadn't worked on his Swedish.

”Doesn't he know you don't know Swedish?” Onni asked, grabbed the envelope and studied it. ”What kind of friend is that?”

”The best one”, Lalli answered and waved at Tuuri who just entered the dining hall. She hurried over to the two of them and Lalli gave her the letter. She picked it up, let out a sigh.

_I'm so tired. I'm sleeping almost the whole day, barely awake enough to_

A large blot finished the sentece. Tuuri continued, trying to not look worried.

_I kill them. I want them gone and they die. I just wish and they're gone. Still in my_

A line and Tuuri frowned, Lalli bit his lip. Onni leaned forward, looked at the two of them.

_I want it to end. I want to Keuruu but how would I get there?_

Tuuri scratched her head, shook it.

”Sorry, misread. Let me try again.”

Lalli nodded, rested his head against Tuuri's shoulder to easier follow along in the text.

_I want it to end. I want to disappear, to sleep, to die. But I can't. They tell me I can't. They need me._

_I wish I could see you. I've thought about going to Keuruu, but how would I get there? I can't move. I can barely lift my hand to write._

_Shut up, please shut up._

Blood was smeared over the paper, words pressed into it before it dried.

_I want you gone, go away, leave me. Shut up don't stop it please leave please._

”Sounds like a nice friend”, Onni commented but was ignored by his family.

_I'm choking, the shadow... can't breath. Hurts, but not enough. Never silent, whispers. Gods? Despicable. No help, only darkness. I laugh at your gods._

”That's not Emil”, Lalli said, grabbing the letter and looking at the words.

”It's his writing”, Tuuri answered.

”Not his words”, Lalli said. ”Someone else. Where does it end?”

”The letter?”

”The other.”

”May I?” Tuuri took the letter again.

_Who are they to judge me? I live, I'll live, I'll rise. There is no God!_

Onni straightened up.

”I thought you got all the ghosts.”

The two mages looked at each other, Lalli looked at the letter, looked at Onni, then turned around.

”I'm going to Sweden.”

 


	5. The fifth letter

”Lalli Hot...”

Lalli took the letter before the mailman finished the call and hurried to the usual table. He threw the letter to Tuuri without looking at it and sat down, leaning his head against the table.

”No boat?” she asked.

”No boat”, he confirmed.

Tuuri opened the letter, quickly read through it. Lalli leaned against her shoulder again, looked at the handwriting. The lines were shaky, drawn with great concentration. There was no blood this time and Lalli frowned slightly. He wanted to believe things were getting better, but something told him it wasn't.

_Lalli_

_There's nothing to say. People are dying. 100 people here, 40 more in Svenstavik. They say The Rash must have mutated, but half of those people were immune. Travel is forbidden. I'm sorry, I won't be able to come to you at all now._

”He sounds different”, Lalli noted. ”Resigned?”

Turri shrugged.

”I don't know... Lalli, this means...”

”I know...”

”But the post...”

Onni joined them by the table, looked at the paper in Tuuri's hand.

”Another letter?”

Lalli and Tuuri nodded and Onni took the envelope, looked at it.

”What about the post?” he asked and looked at his sister.

”How can the post get here if travel is forbidden?”

”I guess they came with the last boat shipping out. We would have gotten upset at them if they had held our people prisoners there after all. Three weeks ago”, Onni looked at the letter. ”Sounds about right, I remember people complaining about not being able to go there.”

”Why did you not say?” Lalli asked.

”You disappeared before I could.”

Tuuri cleared her throat, started reading again.

_Mother told me everything is a mess now. People can't get to work, stuck in whatever city they were in. I've heard people protesting outside my window a few days ago. Two people died during the protest._

_A doctor was here yesterday. He couldn't find anything wrong with me. Father wanted to call in another doctor from Mora, an expert, but since the trains... The doctor said he would have sent me to Mora's Hospital if he had been able to. We have a small hospital here, but Mora's have better machines._

_I hope Finland is doing better than we are. Maybe our Gods are upset with us for using technology instead of praying._

Tuuri stopped. The following lines had been scratched over and she squinted, leaned closer.

”There's something about the shadow here, but I can't...”

_It's stronger. ...faster. ...invading my thoughts. I fear it. ...pain... ...death... What if... Lalli, I... ...lp._

_Take care of each other._

Tuuri looked at Lalli, who lifted his head from her shoulder.

”Lalli, what should we do? We have to help him.”

Lalli leaned against the table, buried his face in his hands.

”I don't know, Tuuri. I don't know.”

 


	6. The last letter

”There's two letters this time”, Lalli said and dropped two envelopes onto the table.

”Which should I read first?” Tuuri asked, glancing at her cousin.

Onni took the two envelopes, looked at them, then handed one of them to Tuuri.

”This one's a day older.”

She nodded, opened it. Lalli looked at it, noticed the words being smeared again, as if whatever strenght Emil had gathered for the previous letter was once again gone.

_I can't take it any longer. The screams, the whispers, the echoes. The faces that haunt my dreams. Hundreds of them, thousands, I don't know. It's coming for you, I feel it. For all of you. It wants us dead and I can't..._

_I can't stop it. I'm not a mage, and even if I was I don't think I'm strong enough. I just want it gone. Mother and father don't know what to do, they don't believe me when I tell them what's going on._

_I was at the mental ward again. Lots of drugs, no relief. I only stayed for a couple days, then they figured I was fine. I'm at the hospital now instead. They still don't know... They have no clue what's wrong with me._

Lalli clenched his hands, looked at his knees. Tuuri glanced at him before she continued.

_I'm not gonna last much longer. It's keeping me alive, barely, because it needs me, and I... I can't stand it. Lalli, either it kills me or I'll... But am I strong enough?_

_I miss you. I miss all of you so much... I wish I could see you... I wish I could have... I'm sorry, Lalli. We shouldn't have met, then you wouldn't have had a murderer as friend. But I never wanted to kill them._

_Lalli, I can't breath, it feels like something is squishing my lungs. Every part of me hurts, and there's no relief. Not even in my sleep. Meds no longer help, pain no longer stops the whispers. I have trouble staying awake, but I can't sleep. I'm so tired... What should I do? What would you have done?_

Lalli glanced at Onni, who shrugged.

”There's no beacon there for me. I can't find him as easily as Reynir.”

Lalli looked away. Tuuri started reading again.

_You'd have magiced it away by now, I guess. You've always been strong. And I don't mean just because the magic. I wanted to be strong as well, but..._

”Your idiot, you are strong”, Lalli whispered, his voice shaking. ”You've lasted so long. Please hold on until I get there...”

_I'm not. I can't even... I just... I don't know, I just want to... Please, just let me rest... Let me sleep, free of the voices, of the dreams, of the screams. Lalli, I can't... I can't..._

The paper had been wrinkled, stained by tears. Lalli was certain Emil had hid his face in the letter, cried until he was out of tears and then tried to pretend all was well for whoever stopped by his room. He clenched his hands again.

_I hope you stay safe. Don't come to Sweden. It's not... I'm killing everyone here, I don't want to risk killing you. Please, Lalli, just... just make sure you're safe. We'll see each other again some day, I promise._

”He's safe now, right Lalli?” Tuuri asked. ”The hospital people will take care of him, won't they?”

Lalli bit his lip, shoved the other letter to Tuuri. She opened it, looked at the paper.

”There's only one sentence written here.”

”Read it.”

”I don't...” Tuuri's eyes teared up and Onni placed a hand on her shoulder. She let out a sigh, looked at Lalli.

_Lalli, you don't have to worry about me any longer._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! No more letter from Emil!
> 
> I do kind of have an idea for a continuation of this story, I'll see if I ever get around to it. It'll be its own story though and able to stand without having read this one (I hope) so no need to check this one for updates ♥


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